I just am fortunate to have a Dutch passport so I won’t need to jump into the sea to reach Europe.

I feel my brain will explode and I’m sick to my stomach from this country, its government and all the other things that are going on right now. I can’t even think clear anymore. I am very shaken up over last night’s events, just as everyone else in this country probably is. Never have I been so terrified, never have I thought that I couldn’t sleep due the sounds of explosions and F16’s shaking up my apartment. I trembled to my bones and my heart was pounding so hard I believed it would jump out of my chest. I never heard such loud noises in my entire life and I thought that everything was going to come to an end. I have never feared for my life like I did last night.

While military was trying to take over, hordes of people ran into the streets, panicking and stressing about what to do. Stores and ATM’S were empty in no time and however the traffic is always chaos at this city, last night was something I can’t even describe. In the meanwhile people were taking hostage, we could hear shootings everywhere and jets were flying just above our apartments, leaving us and entire buildings shaking after loud noises. At the same time media were taking over, helicopters were being shot out of the air, there were bomb-attacks and policemen and civilians were being killed while trying to save this country. While Western Media was reporting that it was all over, we were hearing explosions followed by sirens, from which we still don’t know if there were bombs or not, and fearing for our lives.

This has been my home for the past few years. My life is here. And this life has shaken me to the core. We have had several horrible events going on in the last few months or maybe even years, but last night made me feel terrified in a way that is dehumanizing. And I know this wasn’t or isn’t a war, but last night gave us a taste of what war feels like and it made us realize how people less fortunate feel in countries that are engaged in a war. It’s unbelievable how little control we have when government shows their power and you can’t even feel save in your own home. What I’ve experienced yesterday is impossible to describe and impossible to understand for someone who hasn’t experienced this. It’s more then mixed emotions or being terrified. Some of our Syrian friends have said this a war zone, in one way or another and that this is the reason why people throw themselves into the sea in hope of a better life.

And however Western Media is reporting that everything is ‘fine’, it was just five minutes ago when I could hear another jet flying over, making me feel worried again about my life. We all are confused and stressed, worrying about the future. We will be able to go back to our home countries, but what about our loved-ones? Our families? Our friends? The majority of our lives is here. And it are the people here that are worried about my safety, they are the reason my phone is non stop ringing today and they are the ones who understand what this is like. It are the people in my home country who don’t understand what is going, who can’t understand how we feel and why we are torn apart. It are them saying we must take the first flight back home. Of course, for me personally, this is not a country I want to live in. Not because of the recent events, but because those events show that this country has big problems and no future, at least not a democratic and peaceful one. But home is here and I can’t just get on a plane and leave everything behind, even not if there are tanks out in the streets and jets flying right above us.

We don’t know what is coming next, we have no idea what will happen. We don’t know what to trust or who to believe. We are unsure of everything, we barely know what’s going on. It’s all just speculation and it seems there are no facts. All we know is that horrible things have happend and are happening, so many innocent people died or got hurt last night. And I just am fortunate to have a Dutch passport so I won’t need to jump into the sea to reach Europe.

What rests is speechlessness.

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